But I have loads to update so this day will suffice as the day to talk about my FD. Also, I need to be consistently adding posts on a weekly basis so I stop making posts like this one. It also means this post may be excessively long. My bad.
Let’s recap: Father's Day was on June 17. My father made FD very interesting…
Before I continue, let me preface this by saying my parents and I have not been on the same page for the past three to four years. Because I do not wish to gripe, let me condense it down to this: they had a plan for my life different than one the Lord intended I have, and His plan was one I was actually willing to follow. This led to many fights, to feelings of me being less than, to my heart becoming extremely hardened toward them as I felt our strained relationship was my fault, but still yo-yoing being wanting to pull away to protect myself and feeling guilty for pulling away.
A couple of months ago, another fight broke out between my mother, myself, and even my sister. I felt like a piñata and they each held a stick whacking away at me with their blindfolds off. I told them this was the last time they’d see me, hoping it would stir remorse in their hearts for hurting my feelings. It didn’t. My promise did not hold up since my sister graduated two weeks ago, so I eventually saw them again.
Back to the present - I did NOT want to call my dad. I had talked with Jason about this, hoping something would direct me. He told me to pray about it. I prayed. Briefly. Not delved in to it as I ought to for I was afraid of God telling me to call my dad anyway regardless of our history, regardless of my past hurt, and regardless of any snide remarks he might say to me. I even told myself, “Oh no, he’ll be hearing from one less daughter this year.” I grew weak as Father’s Day approached. Thoughts of my father as a lost person who exhibits no personal relationship with the Lord, wondering what life is all about crept in my head. My father, whose idea of success is about the number of zeros between the 1 and the period on a paycheck.
My heart softened a bit, enough to text my sister to find out my Dad’s phone number. (His number changed sometime back and I never got around to asking him what it was. I’m sure that was sometime at the end of last year.) I found out he was in Texas and will probably be there for most of the year for a job. This fact I was thankful for because I was afraid of physically being at my parents’ house. When I called him, he seemed overjoyed. Actually, more surprised than overjoyed. No, surprised then/and overjoyed. However, I kept my guard up, preparing myself for any jabs he might take, but none came. He even told me how much he appreciated my calling him, that it meant quite a lot for me to call him and encouraged me to shoot him a text whenever I can, too.
Weird.
Who was this man? It sounded like my father, but didn’t act like him. Was this a joke? Would this version of him last?
I have no idea what to make of that conversation. The Lord may be softening my father’s heart to Him by using me. I pray that He does and I may be used for His Glory. But how do I also protect myself from being used as punching bag? Is that even possible? I have not texted or called my dad or mom since FD because I have become a master of absence and avoidance in my relationships with them.
So please, pray for my heart. I am stubborn. My heart is hard. I am afraid.
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There is more stuff to add later of the past week. I plan on posting them by the end of this week. We’ll see how that goes. Until then -
Blessings,
Q
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