RG Update

Wednesday marks the fourth week of Redemption Group. It has gotten easier, I will admit, but as mentioned before, I was very anxious. The RG Intensive Weekend was, in all essence of the word, intense. Everyone in RG shared their story among their appointed group - the task I dreaded the most. I was the fifth to share my story in a group of six (not counting the ladies who oversee the group). As the other ladies were speaking, my thoughts raced to what I should or should not share, ways to curb the imminent tears I would shed while sharing my story (clearing my throat, deepening my voice, blinking like crazy, etc.), but mostly praying for peace and trusting that this is where God would have me be when I didn't want to be.

However, after sharing my story, I felt relief. The best way to describe it is like I cut myself open and I'm bleeding out. Or a better metaphor is I am a brick wall and God is manning a demolition ball. And yet, in this I find relief.

In my relief, a question keeps going off in my head that seeks to be answered:
why do I dread being transparent?
 
There are two emotions I am comfortable conveying:
happiness and anger. What I am not comfortable conveying is my vulnerability.

 
 

vul·ner·a·ble

   /ˈvʌlnərəbəl/ Show Spelled[vuhl-ner-uh-buhl]

adjective

 

1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.

 

2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; "He is vulnerable to bribery."

 

3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

 

 

These are not traits our society worships. We worship strength, power, and control, but the weak are often picked on and the strong are praised for doing so. So why do I feel relief for exposing  myself and bleeding out?

 

A couple of weeks ago, God had shown me a glimpse of what I looked like struggling with being vulnerable and transparent. As I sat in the hot seat being asked hard questions at RG, anxiety and a multitude of lies from the Enemy flooded through my head as I felt my fingers twisting the Kleenex I had used to wipe my face until tiny white specks peppered my hands. I felt emotionally drained trying to keep myself composed when I wasn't even doing a good job of that.

 

The more I look at my sin - those I've committed and those committed against me - it is hard to see anything but shame and hurt. But even this is not the full depth of what God sees of my sin and everyone's sin and its effects in our world. Do we even allow ourselves to?

 

Last Thursday, my co-worker served a kindly older gentleman. He used sign language though he spoke well enough, and even apologized for his excessive signing. After talking with him a bit, this guest told my co-worker how he was in the Marines, got injured and suffered

 brain damage from his injury and had to relearn everything from the ground up. He repeatedly thanked my co-worker for her great service and patience with him and was excessively kind to her. My co-worker was so taken aback by his kindheartedness, she began to cry and could not stop talking about this gentleman to everyone else. She was a bit embarassed by her reaction, but I felt truly blessed to see her heart reacting so tenderly to a man who has experienced great difficulty in his life.

 

How many of us react like this to the hurts committed to others? Unbeknownst to her, my co-worker had shown me a tiny glimpse of how God sees the sins we commit against Him and each other.

 

Even though our world worships the strong, the powerful, and the ones in control, it is in our weakest moments God shows us His true strength, power, and control. And the times I've declined His invitations to sit with Him in my brokeness are moments I've robbed myself of seeing how good God really is.

 

Please pray for the rest of my time and for those who are in RG these next few weeks. For the Lord to work and the Holy Spirit to move. I'm sorry if this post was a bit scattered. I'm a bit scatter-brained.

 

 

Until next time,

Q